November 13, 2017 by Andy D'Addario

3 Tips to Get You on the Right Side of Calm

They say you can wake up on the wrong side of the bed. But many days it feels like you woke up on the wrong side of calm. And who can blame you? Life seems to have gotten more complicated, stressful and chaotic – even in small towns near our office, like Dorr – making it more difficult to feel peaceful and calm.

But there are things you can do each day to get yourself on the right side of calm. Here are 3 of them:

1. Breathe Deeply

Many people are shallow breathers, meaning they take small, short breaths. But did you know shallow breathing is actually part of the “fight or flight” response? It’s an evolutionary adaptation designed to keep us safe from danger, like that angry sabretooth tiger chasing us. When faced with danger, our heartbeat speeds up and we breathe faster in order to get more oxygen for fighting or fleeing.

Our bodies don’t recognize real danger (that tiger) from modern day danger (that stack of bills). And so we spend most days breathing like our life depends on it.

One of the quickest ways to calm yourself is to slow down your breathing. Many people scoff at the idea that breathing deeply and slowly will do much of anything. Those that try it know deep breaths have an incredible calming affect.

2. Get Familiar with Your Acupressure Points

There are key acupressure points located on your hands, face, and head. These points are near bundles of nerves that, when massaged or tapped, can help relax your entire nervous system. This is why we instinctively rub our forehead and temples when we’re feeling stressed. You can subtly apply pressure to the meaty part of the hand between the thumb and forefinger when in a stressful meeting, at the airport, or any public setting when you need to calm down but don’t want to call much attention to yourself.

3. Focus on the Positive Things in Your Life

Every night before you fall asleep, think about three things that happened that day you are grateful for. They can be small, like that parking spot in front of the always-busy post office you got this morning, or big, like your son’s ankle was sprained not broken.

Feeling happy and grateful will naturally calm you down and give you a different perspective on things. And, doing this exercise night after night will train your brain to be more positive.

Have you tried these tips in the past but are still dealing with persistent anxiety and worry? Therapy can help you uncover the root cause of your anxiety and provide tools for coping.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

November 1, 2017 by Andy D'Addario

3 Ways to Communicate Better With Your Partner

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, you know firsthand how frustrating it can be. Once two people start sharing more and more time together, perhaps even begin living under the same roof, arguments are bound to happen from time to time (even near our office in the collection small towns such as Hopkins).

Sure, you both started out on your best behavior – you both believed the other could do no wrong. But as the days, weeks and months passed, and as the shiny newness of the relationship wore off, that’s when the arguments and bickering began.

But here’s some good news: just because you both find yourselves frustrated with the other more often, that doesn’t mean your relationship is in big trouble. Arguing is not a sign of a hopeless relationship, but how you handle yourself during those arguments is an indicator of the health of the relationship.

If you and your partner are frustrated with one another, here are some tips to help you communicate better:

Be Direct

Indirect communication leaves much to be desired. It also leaves one or both parties very confused. Don’t beat around the bush when you have something to say or when you want to share with your partner why you are frustrated with them. If it is your partner who has initiated the conversation, don’t try to evade it and switch topics, face the music head-on. It takes directness to problem solve.

Talk, Don’t Blame

How you speak to your partner is key during times of frustration. You want to be clear and direct, but you never want to point the finger. Doing so will only cause your partner to become defensive and the conversation will go off the rails.

For instance, if you are frustrated with your girlfriend who tends to be jealous when you innocently talk to other women, you wouldn’t want to say something like, “You are totally out of your mind!” That will only invite defensiveness.

Instead, try using “I statements” and pair them with “behavior descriptions.” This is a constructive strategy because I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in rather than a character flaw.

So, for example, you might say something like, “I get frustrated when you think I am flirting with someone when the conversation is completely innocent.” This allows you to be clear and direct without drawing your partner’s character into the line of fire.

Stay Focused

A constructive discussion will demand both partners’ full attention. By this I mean it’s important to stick to the issue at hand and not drag other frustrations and resentments into the conversation. Try to solve one relationship issue at a time.

If both of you have been keeping your frustrations pent up and now can barely speak to one another without completely blowing your top, you may want to consider seeking the help of a couple’s therapist. They will be able to help guide the conversation, keeping it loving and constructive.

Interested in exploring treatment options? Get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

October 26, 2017 by Andy D'Addario

How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.

Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety – even in lovely Middleville.

Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.

Give it Attention

That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.

Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.

Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.

You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.

Talk Back

In order to take the power away from your inner critic, you’ve got to give it a taste of its own medicine. As soon as you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, tell it to shut up. Tell it that the jig is up, that you know it is a big, fat liar, and that you want it to go away. If you want to really make this voice recoil, tell it you are choosing to be kind to yourself from now on.

Self-compassion to an inner critic is like garlic to a vampire.

Create a New Inner Voice

If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.

To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that nasty critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on those. Yes, it will be hard at first to let yourself see you in a positive light, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.

Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up. Take these 4 steps and learn to quiet that inner critic. Your best you is waiting to be celebrated.

Some people’s inner critic is stronger than others. Sometimes the greatest ally you can have in your corner is an impartial third party, a therapist who can see you for who you really are.

If you or a loved one could use some help defeating your inner critic and would like to explore therapy, get in touch with me. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

September 26, 2017 by Andy D'Addario

8 Ways To Find Greater Happiness In Your Life

Since ancient times, healers of the mind have distinguished between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure is important, but it is fleeting: if we rely on it for our fulfillment, then we will be disappointed. We ultimately want a deeper sense of satisfaction with life. Depression is the third most common issue for which people seek help from our counseling office, which is a short drive from Shelbyville. While many of my clients feel depressed due to what appears to be a major chemical imbalance, we have discovered that many of them are really just unhappy. Wherever you fall on this spectrum, I recommend trying these eight avenues that have been statistically proven to make people happier.

1. Gratitude

Regularly name something for which you are thankful. Be very specific. Make a game of it by trying not to ever think of the same thing twice. Some researchers advise doing this once per week, while others suggest doing it three times per day. The point is to make a habit of it. As you continue doing this, you will come to appreciate each moment more and more until at last it is second-nature to do so.

2. Meditation

There are many different kinds of meditation, and all of them can make you feel better. Two basic kinds to start with are (a) mindfulness and (b) diaphragmatic breathing.

a. Mindfulness

You can do mindful meditation by simply focusing on something positive, whether it is a word such as “peace” or an image of a good experience you had that day or of a calming environment. When focusing on imagery, try to use all of your senses to mentally transport yourself to that happy place: smell whatever is in the air, hear the sounds, taste and feel whatever is around you. It is best to sit in an upright position so that your mind is alert. This can be done on a chair or on the floor.

b. Diaphragmatic Breathing

Also called “deep breathing,” it may be easier to start practicing this by lying down on the floor or on a couch. With enough practice, you will be able to do it at your desk or while walking. The key is to make sure you are breathing with your belly as opposed to your chest. A helpful way to make sure you are doing this correctly is to place one hand on your chest and the other hand on your navel: when inhaling, the hand on your navel should rise higher than the hand on your chest. It is okay if your chest rises too, just so long as it does not rise higher than your belly. Spend four seconds on each of the following steps, in order: inhale, hold, exhale, hold. More specifically, breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold your breath at the top for four seconds, breathe out through your mouth for four seconds, hold your breath at the bottom for four seconds, and repeat this cycle for at least ten minutes.

3. Journaling

A popular belief is that the best way to journal is to write about all the things that are bothering you. This certainly has its place, as it provides an outlet for unresolved negative feelings. But, if the goal is to be happier, merely venting to yourself is not as effective as reflecting on positive experiences. If you want to make journaling a part of your daily rhythm, it might be ideal to write about such moments before you go to bed. That way, your mind will be full of good things to remember. Even if you are not writing about these memories, simply pondering them before bed is shown to increase happiness.

4. Exercise

We have all been told that physical activity releases endorphins, known as a kind of “happy chemical.” Anyone who swims, goes to yoga, plays any kind of sport, or even uses a push lawn mower understands the value of these pursuits. A runner will talk about feeling the “high” after a long jog, and this is a quite literal description since the chemicals released after a long jog are the same ones released when using drugs. Too much of anything is probably unhealthy, and this also goes for exercise. But a little bit of exercise is better than nothing. Even simply going for a walk can do the trick. Just make sure you are averaging 30 minutes of physical exertion per day.

5. Variety

Take a different route to work. Walk your dog down an unfamiliar street. Try a food you have never eaten. A routine is great, and it is advised to keep one if it makes you more efficient and happy. But switch things up once in a while to maintain a sense that the world around you is interesting. Find a balance between change and sameness.

6. Generosity

We tell ourselves the cliché, “Money can’t buy happiness.” Yet when asked, like John D. Rockefeller was, “How much money is enough?” we cannot help but agree with him: “Just a little bit more.” There is no doubt that money can buy happiness for those who cannot afford housing, groceries, and other basic needs. But, if you are in the “just a little bit more” camp, it will be worthwhile to know that the research proves this inclination to be misleading. It may feel good to get the latest-and-greatest and keep up with the Joneses, but what provides a deeper sense of joy is a sense that you are contributing even in a small way to making the world a better place. Whether you commit a random act of kindness (e.g. paying for a stranger’s bill at a restaurant) or volunteer your time to a good cause (e.g. picking up trash on the side of the road), the point is to do something that is intended to make a positive impact. Resist grandiose giving, especially if you are new to this. As long as you consciously and consistently do something good for someone or something bigger than yourself, you will begin to feel like your life has a greater purpose.

7. Close Relationships

Another thing we pursue, even though we tell ourselves it won’t make us deeply happy, is status. In extreme cases, we invest all our time into the in-crowd. This is the student who follows the popular kids wherever they go, even though no friendship is present. But this also happens in subtle ways, such as when we care too much about what our acquaintances think of us. What makes human beings content is not popularity, but intimacy. Every time you find yourself wishing you had more Facebook friends, remember that you are seeking a momentary pleasure. Then, if you find yourself interested instead in a more enduring kind of pleasure, call your loved ones.

8. Personal Growth

If generosity and intimacy are juxtaposed with money and status, respectively, then this last item is juxtaposed with image. I often ask my clients, “If you were to imagine that you are very old and on your death bed, looking back on your life, how would you have spent your time? What are the things you wish you had done more frequently or differently? What risks do you wish you had taken? What didn’t you try that you wish you had? What are your regrets? Is there anything you did because it was ‘the thing to do’ instead of what you genuinely wanted to do?” The things people tend to think about on their death beds are not whether they looked cool in all their photos, or had a perfect bikini body, or had big muscles, or avoided getting wrinkles too soon – but whether they experienced the fullness of life and everything it had to offer.

If you are interested in exploring one of these avenues further, or if you have tried them all and found that none of them worked for you, I would be honored to begin the therapeutic process with you and help you find true happiness in your life.